That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
