i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
