there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
