Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
