I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
