Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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