the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
