Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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