remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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