from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
