I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
