I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize