Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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