At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
