Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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