I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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