looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
