ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
