I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
