I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
True strength comes from lack of pants
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize