My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We don't watch enough power rangers
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
