I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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