I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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