Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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