I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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