Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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