I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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