Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
