Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize