Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
