Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
