I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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