Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
