hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
