i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
this will be a night to untag.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
