nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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