I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
