while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
