we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
