I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize