I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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