Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
