I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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