I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
