i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
