i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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