I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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