i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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