i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
