He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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