Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have tasted many bathrooms
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
