Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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