She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
