why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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