Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
