its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize