genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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