put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
