i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
