Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it hurts more in the daytime
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
