i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
